Cross Cultural Examples
The scriptures are not the only sources that emphasis the importance of father and son relationships. The wisdom of protecting this vital relationship is contained in many cultures. One of the clearest examples of this is Chinese culture.
“Filial piety is the basis of order in Chinese family. The father-son relationship is the elementary and the most important one in the family and all other relationships in the family system are regarded as extensions of or supplementary to it. Filial piety refers to the kind of superior-inferior relationship inherent in the father-son relationship. As it often appears, filial piety means children, especially sons, must please, support, and subordinate to their parents (Hsu 1971).
As a general statement it would be accurate to state that the Chinese culture supports at varying levels the redemptive gifts and premises that are supported in this work. The following quote emphasizes strong father and son relationships with redemptive purpose and procreation. The cultural memory that we have referencing is not perfectly Biblical but its influence is unmistakable. The result is that China is one of the longest standing cultures on the Earth.
“Since the relationship between father and son is indisputably most important, the major duty of a man is, thus, to his parents and only second to the state. With the emphasis on filial piety, a son could even be absolved from responsibility for reporting the infractions of his father in the Imperial China, except in the case of treason. In the mean time, sexual love can also be pressed into the service of filial piety, which is incumbent upon any man to continue his male line. Mencius (a great Chinese philosopher second only to Confucius) said that of the three un-filial acts, failure to produce an heir is the worst. It is so because the whole continuum of ancestors and unborn descendants die with him. “
When the norms established in Eden, the dignity of the individual the value of marriage, work, and worship of the monotheistic God are violated cultures begin to disintegrate. It is true with the contexts that have been listed but it is also true in regards to father and son relationships. Most extant cultures have maintained them.
“most of the people of the world follow a mode of patrilineal descent. David Aberle ( 1961) once calculated that 44 percent of a representative sample of cultures in the world is patrilineal (with 36 percent bilateral or cognatic, 15 percent matrilineal, and 5 percent double). These percentages would took even more impressive if one were to calculate them by population. Patrilineal descent covers large and densely populated regions such as China and India. It is also prevalent in the Middle East and much of Africa.”
Violations of these concepts have been problematic for people groups and individuals within the context of the scriptures and outside it. Polygamy is one such violation that has been cited in the literature and has precedent in the scriptures.
“Wlliam Divale ( 1975) even suggested that extensive polygyny was a cause of feuding and internal warfare because it deprived some men of wives, promoting adultery, wife stealing, and fights over women. If this is (or was) true, it carries implications for gender, linking patrilocality with aggressive, competitive males and making women important as sources of male conflict. Whatever the origin (male cooperation, male conflict, or something else), a pattern of patrilineal descent with patrilocality has persisted in many parts of the globe, surviving even changes in economic and political organization”
Kithara M. in a an abstract published by the U.S National Library of Medicine that polygamy has a negative influence the development of masculinity due to the absence of the father.
“In polygynous societies in which the family consists of husband, wives, and children only, if each cowife lives in a separate quarter with her children, males are more likely to be circumcised or segregated at puberty. These customs are interpreted as the measures to rectify boys' mother-oriented personality development because of limited contact with their fathers due to their mother's separate quarters. Circumcision and segregation can be explained better in terms of the son's insufficient contact with the father rather than a very close relationship with the mother due to the long postpartum sexual taboo.”
David and Absalom and Amnon
The relationship between David and Absalom is reflective to the types of problems that are seen in polygamous relationships. David clearly loved Absalom. He nearly lost his kingdom because of his attachment to him. However, Absalom never internalized or understood his father’s love. Their relationship was detached, violent and one in which David’s authority was questioned and attacked by his son. David was “a man after God’s own heart” (1 Samuel 13:14) However the structure of his marital life and therefore his relationships with his children was not redemptive. It is the contention of the work that this is a direct consequence of polygamy.
It could be argued that polygamy is seen throughout the scriptures. This would be true but wherever it is seen there are problems with violence and attachment. Joseph was loved by Jacob in a disproportional manner because he was the first child from the union with Rachel, the wife that Jacob loved. Jacob’s detachment toward his other sons is the direct result of the polygamy he practiced. His son’s violence toward their brother Joseph is a natural consequence of the non redemptive nature of polygamy. Ruben’s taking of Jacob’s concubine is also an extension of the non redemptive nature of polygamy.
Violence and sexual perversion are also characteristic of the sad tale of David’s sons and their relationships with him and with each other. 2 Samuel 13 tells their story. The lust of Amnon is where the chapter begins.
“In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David. Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar, for she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her.” (2 Samuel 13:1)
Amnon distortion of the nature of his relationship is first seen in his address her as Absalom sister and not his own. The pervasiveness of this cultural perversion is witnessed in his ‘friend’ or more accurately his cousins advice to him. The advice included the manipulation of his father under the pretense of sickness. Tamar retained within herself and understanding of the wrongness of Amnon’s desire and appealed to cultural memory and law as reasonable modes for dissuading Amnon from his wicked desires.
"Don't, my brother!" she said to him. "Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing. What about me? Where could I get rid of my disgrace? And what about you? You would be like one of the wicked fools in Israel. Please speak to the king; he will not keep me from being married to you." But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.
“Then Amnon hated her with intense hatred. In fact, he hated her more than he had loved her. Amnon said to her, "Get up and get out!" "No!" she said to him. "Sending me away would be a greater wrong than what you have already done to me." But he refused to listen to her. He called his personal servant and said, "Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her.” (2 Samuel 13:14-16)
Amnon desire drove him to a heinous sin. His conscience drove him to self condemnation and guilt and hatred of his sister. His un-repentance prevented any reasonable effort to heal the evil wound he had inflected. His detachment from his father and brothers seared the shame and social pressure to reconcile the sin. Tamar was willing to participate in his reconciliation by appealing to their father to allow them to marry. Amnon dehumanized his sister prevented him from doing the right thing. All inordinate affections dehumanize individuals. The monogamous lifelong relationship between one man and one women is the structure that God’s established as the primary means for protecting against dehumanization and inordinate affections.
Absalom’s plotting and execution of the murder of Amnon is an extension of the detachment that polygamy causes. The plot is motivated by vengeance for the sin committed against his sister but it is oblivious to the fact that the plot is against his brother and will affect his father. Our purpose now is not the retelling of Absalom and David’s story but to point out God’s design for redemptive structures such as marriage. Regardless of the structure God can redeem man and redeem cultures. His purpose is heard in the words of a woman know as the women of Tekoa, who the Bible describes as wise. David’s response is also telling
"Why then have you devised a thing like this against the people of God? When the king says this, does he not convict himself, for the king has not brought back his banished son? Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But God does not take away life; instead, he devises ways so that a banished person may not remain estranged from him.(2 Samuel 14:13)
The king said... "Very well, I will do it. Go, bring back the young man Absalom." (2 Samuel 14:21)
Attachment in Father and Son Relationships.
The lack of attachment has been discussed in the context of a father’s absence in polygamous relationships. Attachment as it is occurs in the family structure is an important development task that healthy children must accomplish. Dr. Charles Williams, Ph.D. discusses stages of development in father and son relationships. He lists them as idolizing, discord, evolving, acceptance and becoming a legacy. In order for these steps to be accomplished the father has to be present and available.
Williams’ concise teaching on these areas is quoted below.
“As children, sons idolize their dads and think they can do anything. This identification is most often demonstrated by a son’s imitation of his father’s behavior by walking like him, talking like him or wearing his clothes or shoes. At this age, a son wants so much to please his father and receive his approval and acceptance.
As teens, sons experience a period of discord in which conflict is the central theme they share. They often reject the expectations, values and directions their fathers have embraced and take on more non-traditional philosophies, placing them regularly at odds with one other. The teen may resent or even fear his father depending on the intensity of their differences, at times, carrying over into the son’s early twenties.
As young adults, the father-son relationship enters into a period of evolving. Distance may still exist emotionally and they may even ignore each other. The conscious attempts at being different than one’s father so characteristic in the discord stage begin to appear more like competition. Competition with another can be viewed as one of the most indirect but highest forms of flattery that exists. …
As adults in their 30’s and 40’s, sons begin to move into the stage of acceptance toward their fathers. They have begun to forgive, recognize strengths and even admire the qualities that once seemed so out of step with their previous "know it all" manner of thinking. They begin to accept each other’s differences. Fathers and sons often become friends during this time, share common interests and express opinions without heated exchanges. The son may even experience challenges as a father with his own son. Charles Wadsworth once said, "By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong."
In their 50’s, older adult sons become a legacy of their father’s influence for better and worse. Time tempers painful memories and in their place often remains admiration and respect for the difficult job being a father must have been. Older adult sons who have not yet resolved those issues with their elderly or deceased fathers, however, typically see them replayed with their teenage or young adult sons. If elderly fathers are still living, an ironic role reversal occurs with older adult sons beginning to take care of their aging fathers. Perhaps the best revenge is to live long enough to be a problem to your children. “
The above development tasks that boys complete are filled with difficulty in the best of circumstances. They are important subject of this work because valuing children as redemptive means rearing them in a redemptive fashion. It provides the ‘root’ in which the seed of the Gospel can grow. Character traits both promote and hinder the reception of the Gospel in the souls of men. Matthew 13 illustrates this truth for us.
“Therefore hear the parable of the sower: When anyone hears the word of the kingdom, and does not understand it, then the wicked one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is he who received seed by the wayside. But he who received the seed on stony places, this is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles. Now he who received seed among the thorns is he who hears the word, and the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful. But he who received seed on the good ground is he who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and produces: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.” (Matthew 13: 18-23)
James Dobson made the following comments about Western civilization and the loss of character among our male population that is largely related to the poor quality relationships between fathers and sons.
“Nations that are populated largely by immature immoral, weak-willed, cowardly, and self indulgent men cannot and will not long endure. These types of men include those who sire and abandon their children; who cheat on their wives; who lie, steal, covet; who hate their countrymen; and who serve no god but money”
In other words, men who did not practice any type of redemptive gifts as it relates to their families, the children or their work or any other type of responsibility that God has granted them. God has provided and easy to understand structures for mankind to implement within their lives. It is seen in the basic anatomy of the human being, the crops that grow on our farms, and the nutrition that our bodies gain in the food and drink we consume. It is also present in the love that parents experience with the children and the love the children manifest for their parents. Abuse and neglect can usurp the power of these roles, conditioning can remove it in some cases when the child is moved from his or her family of origin and indoctrinated into an unnatural system but under normal circumstances the bonds of love between parents and children will grow as the ears of corn grow naturally in a field that is watered and has nutritional value in the soil. As this work draws to conclusions I would like to talk about the process of learning as much as summarize the premises of have argued.
China - Regulations Of Family Relationships - Single Parent, Gender, Chinese, Parents, Filial, Piety, Age, and Superior http://family.jrank.org/pages/253/China-Regulations-Family-Relationships.html#ixzz0yUYVzTvi
China - Regulations Of Family Relationships - Single Parent, Gender, Chinese, Parents, Filial, Piety, Age, and Superior http://family.jrank.org/pages/253/China-Regulations-Family-Relationships.html#ixzz0yUdUvwJO
Kinship and Gender: An Introduction. Contributors: Linda Stone - author. Publisher: Westview Press. Place of Publication: Boulder, CO. Publication Year: 1997. Page Number: 61. http://www.questia.com/read/9961875?title=Kinship%20and%20Gender%3a%20An%20Introduction
Kinship and Gender: An Introduction. Contributors: Linda Stone - author. Publisher: Westview Press. Place of Publication: Boulder, CO. Publication Year: 1997. Page Number: 62. http://www.questia.com/read/9961875?title=Kinship%20and%20Gender%3a%20An%20Introduction
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/952605
http://www.gapsychology.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=15
http://www.gapsychology.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=15
Dobson, James, Bring up Boys, (Tyndale, 2001) pg 54
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